


Cross your heart and hope to die, I'll see you with your laugher lines

by Marayanna



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Crew as Family, Death, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Gen, I feel like this tag loses its weight in this fandom, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Suicide, crew's relationship with suicide during stolen century, hello I'm new here have some tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 21:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19304299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marayanna/pseuds/Marayanna
Summary: It's Barry who commits suicide first. Taako is the first one they are forced to acknowledge. Lucretia longs for it during her lonely year. Magnus' eyes are unreadable when he leaves the ship and doesn't come back.They don't talk about it. They hold each other tightly, spend nights drinking and laughing, look at strangely colored skies and name the stars that will be gone in a few months. They throw themselves into research and exploration, just to keep themselves busy, just to give each other hope. There are different kinds of death, they discover, and they get used to all of them.And then they come back, seven of them, young and unchanged.  And they start all over again.





	Cross your heart and hope to die, I'll see you with your laugher lines

It’s Barry who commits suicide first.

It hasn’t been even two weeks since they left the previous planet. The people they met there were so nice, so curious about the travelers, so eager to share their food, their homes. Barry and the others made so many friends, spent so many nights sharing laughter and stories. They did everything in their power to find the Light, to give this planet a fighting chance against the Hunger, and they succeeded, and they were so _relieved_.

The year passed quickly and one afternoon the skies turned an impossible shade of black tinted with sentient malice, and they knew they had to go, but they hoped, they _hoped_ …

Barry stood by the railing when they took flight. He still couldn’t fully comprehend the scope of what they had to face year after year, still froze with terror when he looked at the dark storm descending upon an innocent world. And right when they started leaving that dimension and his vision began to blur, he saw on an enormous tendril of pure darkness fall on the city that was their home, destroying it instantly.

And then his vision cleared and he was back on the deck of the Starblaster, next year in a row, and it didn’t matter what happened previously because now they had to do it all over again.

Gather information. Wait for the Light. Search. Run.

Run with the Light of Creation from the unimaginable Hunger, in hopes that it will stop it from destroying the entire universe.

And then do it all over again.

(don’t think about the burning worlds you left behind)

This new planet seems devoid of any higher forms of life, which is small comfort. Barry in on the reconnaissance with Magnus, Merle, and Lup, allowing their playful banter to flow around him. He doesn’t feel like participating. He doesn’t feel like doing a lot of things, these days.

(he can still remember the taste of the pie he ate on the day of their departure)

He’s bending down one moment, collecting some environmental data, and the next one he’s on the ground, knocked off his feet by a big, growling beast that charges at him again with a high-pitched howl.

There are shouts all around him, his friends rushing to his rescue as the beast gets closer and _closer,_ and Barry… Barry could duck.

But he can feel the taste of that damn pie, and the lady that made it reminded him of his mother, just a little bit, and now they were _both_ lost to the monstrosity Barry has to fight even though he doesn’t want to, doesn’t know how, and it feels like his heart is aching constantly these days, and he’s just tired, so tired…

He wakes up on the deck of the Starblaster one year later (one second later)

It is their sixth year and the novelty of being reconstructed time and again is slowly wearing off. Some people stretch, some exchange weary smiles like coworkers greeting each other in the office in the morning, some go straight to the window to see what they are dealing with this year.

Magnus slaps Barry’s shoulder, smiling sheepishly.

“Good to see you again, bud. My fault, was clumsy back then. Won’t happen again”

“Eh, for my money Barold had a right nice nap while the rest of us busted our asses off” Taako scoffs, eyes glued to the view outside as if he was already coming up with plans and strategies. “And we didn’t even find that sinking Light!” he throws his hands in the air with an exasperation that looks theatrical but, they all know, is very much sincere.

And Barry knows what happens to the planet when they don’t find the Light, and is suddenly very grateful that he didn’t get to know it at all.

*

Taako is the first suicide they are forced to acknowledge.

It is the twenty fifth year and they arrive on the planet that looks like the Hunger has already been here. Its sun is so far that the days are only barely different from the nights, and both are filled with shadows and sounds they don’t understand. There are _things_ shuffling in the darkness, things they can never really see, but which howls they can hear oh so well. There are flashes of eyes sometimes, or fangs, or something else, something they silently decide not to talk about.

But they search for the Light because this is their job. Because this is what they are here _for._

And as dangerous as it is, they have to leave their ship sometimes. They take every possible precaution. They are always armed. Always careful.

But not careful enough.

There is a growl, and then there is a gasp, and when they turn Lup is just _gone_.

And then she starts screaming.

They run around frantically looking for her, calling her name over and over again as she screams and screams and _screams,_ her voice rebounding from the ruins around them splitting and echoing in all directions at once, and they can’t find her _they can’t find her._ They cast spells until they sway with exhaustion and run around in the darkness until their legs physically can’t carry them anymore.

She screams for a long time, that day.

Later, Taako sits with his head in his hands, his eyes open but not seeing anything, not really. Lucretia and Barry sit beside him, holding him in silence. Offering support in the only way they know how, the only way they can with Lup’s screams still echoing in their ears. And when the morning passes, and then afternoon, and then evening, and the night falls over them again, Taako’s eyes sharpen and his back straightens.

“This cycle sucks. I’m out”

He stands up, shaking off his friends’ hands, nods to Davenport on his way out.  

Nobody tries to stop him.

They see the flash of his spell in the distance, and then nothing.

*

Lucretia longs for it during her lonely year.

She _knows_ she can’t. She knows their whole survival depends solely on her, that there must be at least one person flying from the storm for it to become seven of them again upon landing. And there is _nothing_ she won’t do for her friends, her family. If it means countless sleepless nights with a gun right underneath her pillow, listening to the footsteps outside her door, so be it. If it means stealing and smuggling for spare parts and then learning how to repair the ship all on her own, she’s ready. If it means staring for long, long hours at the bottle of pills in Merle’s med bay – well. She figures she has the right to.

The year goes on, excruciatingly slow. She runs, then fights, then runs some more. She gets used to insomnia and constant paranoia. She _longs_.

She throws away the bottle. Doesn’t dare keep it within reach.

And then the year ends and she _makes it_. She flies, she takes her family out and leaves this goddamned world to hunger and flames.

*

The planet is small and poor, and the nations living there had _just_ ended their World War. It was long and bloody and terrifying, and reaching peace was even more so. But they made it, they signed treaties and made promises they really, truly intended to keep. When IPRE crew arrives, they just begin rebuilding, aiding each other as much as they can, trying their damnest to learn from the mistakes their ancestors made. Vowing to never allow such a mindless destruction to happen again.

There are children on this planet, too. Orphaned, scared, with hunted eyes and empty bellies. The governments of the world are trying to help them, to give them shelters, to find them families, but the funds are stretched so very thin and it’s always too little, too late.

Magnus throws himself into helping them. He finds volunteers, arranges trips and football matches to fill their minds, petitions for more governmental aid to fill their bellies. And people _love_ him. During this one, short year, he manages to change lives of both children and adults alike. He makes them believe, really _believe_ in their new peace and the world they can build on the ruins of war.

But they don’t find the Light this year.

They ask everybody they come across, look for it everywhere they go, and they still come up with nothing. Dozens of expeditions and countless sleepless nights. Magnus gets desperate by the end, spending each waking moment between taking care of people and frantically searching, because it has to be somewhere, _it has to be somewhere-_

It’s two days before the end of the world, when he decides he can’t bear to see his children die.

His eyes are completely unreadable when he leaves the ship with a “see you later”, and doesn’t come back.

*

Gather information. Wait for the Light. Search. Run.

Die.

There are many kinds of death, they discover. Some are gruesome, some are quick. Some are funny, the kind of funny when you’re not sure you are laughing because you’re happy or already unhinged. 

Merle trips and falls down a cliff, breaking his neck instantly. Davenport attempts to talk to the clan leader who doesn’t take well to strangers and before they know it is run through with a spear. Taako prickles his finger on a strange, thorny bush and trashes in fever for two months before he stops breathing.

Yes, there are many kinds of death, and they get used to all of them. They tease and joke, wearing indifference like a cloak, like an armor.

_-and then Lup and Barry made a bet who can slide down that iceberg the fastest, the morons, -well that fruit looked totally delicious how could I know that, -only an idiot would trip and fall from the fucking ship, how did you even, -ten bucks says this thing will bite his head off in ten seco… well that was fast-_

Jokes and indifference, their only way to carry on, their only way to see this mission through. It would be incomprehensible for outsiders, but that’s just the thing – there are no outsiders, there’s just seven of them, flying tirelessly from the storm while they leave everybody else they came to care for to lightning and flames. And they hold each other tightly, spend nights drinking and laughing, look at strangely colored skies and name starts that will be gone in a few months. They throw themselves into research and exploration, just to keep themselves busy, just to give each other hope. And they love each other, fiercely so, even stronger for the fact that there is nobody in the whole universe they could possibly love and _stay with._  

And they don’t talk about the suicides. Because there is not a single person among them who could provide any kind of guidance, who could give one good advice. Because they all need it, sometimes.

When Davenport meets a young boy who looks too much like his baby brother and he can’t look him in the eye. When  Merle forgets which planet they are on and expects to see old friends’ faces when he leaves the ship,  and once he remembers  he wonders just what is the point to all of this anyway. When Lup just can’t find the strength to leave her bed for weeks, and then decides there’s no use in forcing herself.

And then they come back, seven of them, young and unchanged.  And they start all over again.

*

Year ninety nine.

The last one, if only they get this right.

They split the Light into seven parts and hide it away from the Hunger. They hold their breaths as the year passes. And the year _passes_ , right into the next one, and after ninety nine years of flight, they can finally _stay_.

Except. It’s not the happy ending they’ve dreamed of. Each war that breaks out in order to obtain the Artifacts, each betrayal and murder committed in their name, it is blood on their hands, a sacrifice they made for the greater good.

One they had no right to make.

One they had to make.

They don’t leave their ship much these days, not during the year of waiting and not afterwards. Long gone are the days when they eagerly mingled with people on the new planets, making friends, sharing stories and laughter. Now they spend their time on the ship, up in the sky, seven lonely gods cursed for their arrogance.

They saved the world. They won.

They are tired.

The guilt is destroying them, bit by bit. Taako tastes ash in his mouth, Magnus looks into the future but and sees nothing but darkness, Merle wants to dance but his smile is cracked, his eyes are haunted.

They are drinking somberly on the outside deck one night, and it is Davenport, their dear captain, who voices it first.

“We won” he ignores the snorts, self-deprecating toasts, thin-lipped smiles, “The world is safe from Hunger. And that means… we are not needed anymore”

And the crew looks up at the sky, at the stars so very different from the ones home, and their silence is _thoughtful._

And that is when Lucretia’s heart shatters.

That is when she makes her decision.

*

They fly. They search for the Light. They run from the Hunger. They die.

And they forget.

It’s supposed to be only temporary, long enough for her to untangle this mess, to gather the Artifacts so that they won’t cause any more destruction, to use them to block out the Hunger for good. To save this goddamned world, to save her _family_.

But it doesn’t _work._

Ten years pass on a fruitless search, and then she loses another twenty years of her life in a game of bloody _cards_ , and somehow all she can think in that moment is _well, that’s twenty years less I’ll have to worry about it all_ and then she tries very hard not to think about that bottle of pills and all the other things it could be replaced with.

And then Taako, Magnus and Merle are back with her again, except not fully, not in the way it really matters. And it hurts, hurts like nothing had ever hurt before, but it’s _worth it_. Because Taako might still be cold towards the world, and Magnus might still be reckless with his life, and Merle might still smile a little stiffly, but they are alive and they are _healing_. With each day they spend on this new planet, with each new person they meet, with each new person they help, they learn to love this world, bit by bit.

And with each smile that is not directed at her, with each inside joke she doesn’t understand anymore, with each lonely evening and red-eyed morning, her heart shatters a little more. Bit by bit.

But she grits her teeth, doubles her efforts. Searches, pushes, _fights_.

And she makes it.

Not in the way she planned, but it’s rarely the case when it comes to her crew. But she _makes it_. They inspire the world, they race into the storm, together, she and her family making their last grand stand against the enemy that hunted them for so long. And then it is over, truly over, and there are tears and hugs, but also unsure silences and bitter looks. Forgiveness and blame blend together, promising countless late night talks.

But most of all there is a relief, an unbelievable relief, and a sense of freedom they forgot existed. That _Lucretia_ forgot existed.

And then there is a wedding, and Barry and Lup move on, Taako, Merle and Magnus gather people around them and just _help_ , and Davenport sends them letters and postcards from all around this wonderful, _incredible_ world.

And Lucretia looks at them, at the lives they’ve managed to build in spite of _everything_ , and smiles.

And when she finally goes, it is with grateful relief, that this time? This time she won’t wake up on the deck of the ship.

This time she gets to rest.

 


End file.
